What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
