Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
