Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
