he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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