Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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