you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
