Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
