he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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