So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
