My cat gives me a boner
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Randomize
