It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
