oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
