I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
