My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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