the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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