the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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