So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
