ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she peed on how many people?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
the liver wants what the liver wants
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
