In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize