i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Randomize
