farters have to be the big spoon...
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
