I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
