mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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