We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
