you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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