just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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