Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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