I accidentally had phone sex last night
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
