I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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