Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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