And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
