Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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