My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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