nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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