well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize