I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
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