After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
