remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
