And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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