apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
