You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
