dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
