it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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