So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
