Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i wish my penis had a tongue
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize