chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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