I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
