i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
