he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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