You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
