a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
