Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
don't judge my taste in strippers
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
we're so committed to being not committed
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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