My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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