my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
