I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
