Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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