what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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