I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I could fuck to npr.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
