and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
