i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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